what is reality

I am writing this blog at 3 am, 1st October 2026.

I have come to a point where nothing in my life seems interesting, the people around me, my college, or anything in general. Most of my time goes into my college and club work, but I feel like being stuck in a loop.

When I was younger, I used to think there were going to be so many things in my life that I would never give up on. So many things I would be passionate about, so many places I would visit, so many things I would learn and so many experiences I would look forward to.

But it is ironic how people can get over things they once thought they could never live without. Interests fade, passions change, and sometimes, without even realizing it, you stop looking forward to the things that once made you happy.

the loop

Every day feels more or less the same. Wake up, attend college, work on club activities, complete assignments, deal with responsibilities, and somehow find time to do something for myself. Then the day ends, and the next one begins, almost exactly like the previous one.

I wouldn't necessarily call my life bad. I have people around me, things to do, responsibilities to take care of, and opportunities that I should probably be grateful for. But somewhere along the way, I seem to have lost the excitement of experiencing any of it.

It's a strange feeling when nothing particularly terrible is happening, yet you still don't feel particularly happy either. You just exist, go through your routine, and wait for something to feel different.

And the worst part is that I don't even know what that something is.

losing interest

One of the things that bothers me the most is how I am slowly losing interest in technology.

I've always been someone who was interested in computers, software, and understanding how things work. There was a time when I could spend hours exploring something new, working on a project, or learning about some technology that caught my attention. I didn't necessarily need a reason to do it. I was simply curious.

But lately, that curiosity seems to have disappeared.

I look at technologies I once wanted to learn, projects I once wanted to build, and ideas I once found exciting, and I feel almost nothing. Sometimes I try to force myself to get back into it, thinking that perhaps I just need to start somewhere. But even that feels like another task on an already endless list of things I have to do.

And this leaves me wondering whether I actually want to pursue software development as a career or whether I am simply continuing down this path because it is the one I have been following for years.

I don't know if this is temporary, if I am burnt out, or if my interests are genuinely changing. I just know that I don't feel the same way I used to.

the uncertainty of it all

Perhaps the most frustrating part of being in college is the constant feeling that I should already have things figured out.

Everyone talks about internships, placements, projects, competitive programming, new technologies, and building a career. There is always something more to learn, something more to achieve, or someone who seems to be doing better.

And while I understand that everyone has their own pace, it is difficult not to question your own progress when you don't even know what direction you want to take.

What am I supposed to work towards? What should I learn next? What kind of developer do I want to become? Am I even interested in becoming one anymore?

I have so many questions and almost no answers.

There are days when I feel like I should be doing more, learning more, and making better use of my time. But then there are days when I cannot bring myself to care about any of it. It feels like being caught between the fear of falling behind and the complete lack of motivation to move forward.

And time keeps passing, regardless of whether I have figured things out.

where do i go from here?

I wish I had some meaningful conclusion to write here, something about finding purpose, rediscovering passion, or finally figuring out what I want to do with my life.

But honestly, I don't.

I don't know where my career is heading, what I want to achieve, or whether the things I once cared about will ever excite me in the same way again. I don't even know whether I need a major change in my life or simply some time away from everything.

What I do know is that I don't want to spend the next few years feeling like I'm just going through the motions, waiting for something to happen.

Maybe I need to slow down. Maybe I need to stop comparing my progress with everyone else's. Maybe I need to explore things without constantly worrying about whether they'll contribute to my career.

Or maybe I just need to give myself some time to understand what I'm feeling.

Sometimes I wish I had someone to guide me and spoonfeed me with all the resources in the world and help me figuring out the path I need to take. But well that's just a thing I could dream of.

I think this is the point where I should be ending my blog and hopefully by the time next one comes out, I would've have some things figured out.